It's been on my mind alot lately. Mainly because I'm starting to notice change in myself and when I talk to home!
I thought when I came here that everything was going to be ok- I was going to have the year of life and bring the girl I 'became' back home and somehow fit her into the same life I led. but now the more I 'become' I know that wont be so easy.
Some of the exchange kids said they would use this experience as the start of their new life. That when they would return home they would 'start again' and I thought I dont want that to happen, I want things to be the same- why? I dont know, I just do... but no matter how much I want that now, I realise they wont be. My school will always have new students, my work will always emply more staff, my bestfriends will find new ones and hey, even my room wont be the same after my sister has had it for 12 months (sorry, no offence luce!)... So this has made me come to the realisation that its time to let go, Let go... I'm here, not there... I have wanted this my whole life and I need to grasp it before its over.. 12 months is a long time.. but just ask the 'oldies' it goes too quickly... so I'm going to go for it.. going to have the year of my life and accept that things will change.. I will change, they will change.. but the thing is, change is scary (well I find it scary).. changing is scary!
I dont know who I am anymore... Here I'm just a girl that goes to school and plays on her laptop all day, a girl that doesnt understand anything, a girl that is constantly annoying because she doesnt know whats going on so she just follows when she spent four years of high school teaching herself not to annnnddd a girl that doesnt know what she wants anymore ie: the rest of her life. And maybe all of this is a good thing but I've never hated not knowing so much!
but I have to go with this because theres no other way to deal with this... So I'm going to let go- doesnt mean I dont want what was, just means that I have ten months left here and I need to make the most of it.
This post, has been brewing and sorry if I've wasted your time.. Mum says I have too much time to think here?!... but I needed to get it out. Promise the next post will be about what I've been up to.