Monday, January 17, 2011

hello again.

On friday the 14th I was up early with my bags packed and on my way to Cph Airport to say good bye. It was such a surreal feeling and I never quite grasped the concept of being home until the plane touched down in Melbourne and I burst into tears.

I'd had so many said farewells that week and then on friday they just got worse. Standing in the airport in Cph saying goodbye to my families and my friends was so different from saying goodbye in Aus. Atleast when I left I knew I was coming back. The plane flights were long- about 21hrs of flying all together and by the end of it I would was so keen for a good shower and decent food. but if flying around the world meant prolonging the end of my exchange year then I would of gladly kept hopping from destination to destination.
In Bangkok I had a very rushed goodbye with Kat. She went to Sydney and I went to Melbs. It is strange not seeing her everyday and even though I'll see her in april or even before that She is one of my best friends and it sucks that I cant call her just to hang out.

I'm seriously jetlagged, I have slept about a total of 12hours since being home. I'm tired but my brain wont shut off. I crash in the afternoon and then stay up all night and then sleep for a few hours in the early morning. But I'm just so tired and strung out emotionally that I just cant be bothered trying to correct my sleeping patterns.

Its so strange to be back. I cried and cried when I got to Melbourne. I felt so bad, My poor family were so excited to see me and all I could do was cry and tell them I wanted to go back to Dk.
Its weird you know, I have come to a life that no longer fits me.. I feel that there is nothing here for me anymore. But whats weirder is, If I were to go back to Dk, it wouldn't be the same. The life I lived while I was there wouldn't be the exact same. Yes, I have my amazing families, some danish friends and exchange friends there. But I wasn't actually doing anything there- what I'm trying to say is I was living a life that wasn't sustainable. It was amazing while it lasted and it helped me grow so so SO much.. but I wasn't actually going anywhere with my life. I wasn't working or attending school. I'm not trying to say I wouldn't go back to Dk- I would in a heartbeat. What I am saying is that what I had there really was exchange and as permanent as it all felt it really wasn't. Even though it will always be with me and in my heart it wasn't a life that I was supposed to live forever.

So my big question is now, what the hell do I do with myself!? Because I don't want to be here and I cant go back to Dk anytime soon. I'm stuck in this in between and its going to take a long time to get out. I'm trying to stay positive- my mum reminded me today about the post I made about being happy as long as I chose to be. So I'm trying but its hard. However, already I'm feeling like I'm losing the girl I became over there. I feel like I need to be someone different here. I have no idea why, but already I've started hiding pieces of me again and I just don't know where to go from here because I'm stuck here... I cant go anywhere anytime soon.

This isn't the end of my blog, there'll be a few more posts to follow. I want to finish the blog positive and happy.

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